Is my life interesting enough to blog everyday..like a diary?

I have been very productive today. I washed up all the plates, cups etc that are in my little annexe (they had mounted up quite a bit) and I have done a load of laundry (I was running out of underwear).

I am a little sad today. I have found out that I cannot start the very loooooooooooooooooooong home study process until 6 months after the divorce is final. Which means (taking into account the whole process) I won’t have a child home until 2012. *sob*

The dogs have been super duper mad today. Everything they have eaten or drunk has gone through them like they goodness knows what! I keep opening and closing the patio door of the annexe, or I have to leave it open and have to keep checking on them otherwise they jump over the fence to my friends’ part of the garden and they have three dogs who DO.NOT.LIKE. Rubie and Roxie.

Skype is a wonderful invention as I chatted to my new friend Michelle today (and her hubby) they are lovely people! I am so lucky to have a friend like Michelle, especially at the moment! She is my guardian angel, I am sure!

It’s been a beautiful day here but we’ve had a ridiculously high pollen count. And yes, you guessed it, I get allergies. I am allergic to dustmites, pollen, feathers, and dust in general. Even my own hair makes me sneeze sometimes! I have had itchy and runny eyes and an itchy and sneezy nose ALL.FLIPPIN’.DAY.

I am still feeling emotional about the “no babies until 2012” thing. I want to be a mum. I’ve been trying to be a mum since I was 24.

Why is it so darn hard?

Thoughts on my life at the moment.

When James left me he blew my whole world right open. I have regrouped, and regrouped again. I have had a weekend away, I’ve been surrounded by friends, by family, I’ve had shopping trips (they.are.gooood!), I’ve got two new dogs, I’ve moved to a new area but something is still missing and whether that’s my husband, the babies I have lost or the children I have yet to mother I just don’t know. I have decided to go back to my maiden name, Pierre. (Courtesy of my French grandfather, Merci!) I don’t want my prospective children to be Hamiltons. I don’t want James to think he has anything to do with them and it would mean so much to my Dad for my children to have his name.

House hunting is going ok. I’ve found some I like but not “The House”

Roxie and Rubie (my Irish setters) are AMAZING! They are my universe right now, their big slobbery kisses make my days a whole lot brighter.

I have been doing lots of shopping. I deserve it. I am financially stable enough to be careless and it doesn’t make a dent.

On the 21st May it will be the two year anniversary or “birthday” of the last child I lost to miscarriage.  Days like this are always hard, I have 8 a year.

I want to share my 8 babies with you, James and I named them all and they were all cremated. We’d found out their genders in the post mortems and we had four boys and four girls. Although we have never got round to interning their ashes, creepy as it sounds, but we never got round to it. I have spoken to the Rector of my new church who is arranging for a mini funeral to intern the ashes into a joint grave. I am arranging a headstone for all of them.

Alexander James, April 1996

Oliver Michel, December 1996

Lydia Angeline, July 1997

Andrew Benjamin, March 1998

Louisa Michelle, August 1998

Samuel Mark, November 2003

Rebecca Elizabeth, September 2005

Isabella Emma, May 2007

I will let you know when the little ceremony will be. I am sure it will be beautiful.

 

Adoption. This is a big thing for me right now. There are two children in an orphanage in Haiti that I already see as my son and daughter. I cannot escape that feeling towards them. I love them so much and I have to try and move past the heartbreak. To protect the children I won’t use their real names. The boy I will call Ben and the girl I will call Katie.

Whenever I look at Ben and Katie’s photos I feel such a rush of love, yet also a rush of sadness. I wish they could know how much I want to be their Mum. How much I love them and how much I need to have them in my life. How the thought of being their mother makes me whole. I wish they could feel the excitement of leaving poverty and coming to a whole new world. It makes me so mad at James that he has taken the option of adopting Ben and Katie away from me. I don’t know how I will ever replace them in my hearts. I never will. Any other children will be just as special and I will probably love more because I will bond with them, but I will always feel the loss, like with my miscarried babies, of not being able to bring Ben and Katie up as my children.

God. This is another topic I want to talk about. He truly is throwing a lot of tests my way. I am wondering whether this heartache and pain is a test, preparation for things to come. He has a plan for me, and I just need to find out what it is.

 

I hope my blog will be a valuable insight to my life and what’s going on in my head.

 

Emma xx

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. I'm Emma Florentine Hamilton, I am a recently seperated-being divorced- 30 something British French woman living in the UK.

For 15 years I was married to James Hamilton we have recently seperated after 13 years of unsucessfully trying for children. He is now divorcing me and I am, as the name of my blog, trying to begin afresh.

I hope to adopt two or three children from Haiti in the not too distant future. I would love to have six or seven children. I've always wanted a big family and unfortunately I have unexplained infertility. I will be reverting back to my maiden name, to carry on my father's french name. (Which is funny. He's British but his grandfather was french.) After my divorce I will become (again) Emma Florentine Pierre.

I look forward to sharing my life with you via this blog.

Emma