Moving

I move tomorrow morning. Oh my! I also start a new course on monday.

I am really excited about this complete new start. But I am moving 145 miles away and it's a long way!

I will blog properly wants I have moved.

I hope everyone is well!

Emma

Adoption

I have enquired about two new countries for adoption. Democratic Republic of Congo and Ethiopia. As much as I want to adopt from Haiti, I don't think I can wait 2-3 years to become a mother. I've already waited 15 years. It's getting ridiculous.

I have already seen some waiting children in Ethiopia, two little girls who are 5 and 3 years old. Their names are Hermela and Meron. I'm trying not to fall in love with them!!! But it's hard. =D

I will keep you updated.

Emma x

News!

I am so happy and excited to report the following things;

1. My beautiful son, JT is going to be adopted with D and they will be brother and sister, just as I'd hoped they'd be with me. I am so happy that they will grow up together and I will get to know both of them, if not face to face but other the internet at least! Webcams and phone calls! :) I am so happy.

2. I am moving house, as of 26th september I will be living in Coventry. I will give my new address to those who want it but I'm not making it common knowledge, I dont want a certain ex husband knowing it! I want freedom!

3. I might have been given a way to become a mother other than adoption. IVF with both an egg and sperm donor. I am not sure about it, as I've lost 8 biological babies already. But we'll see.

4. I will start my prep courses a week after I move in to my new apartment. Wish me luck!!


Emma x

I have been approved

On friday morning I got a phone call,

I have been approved. I am one step closer! I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be. I'm tired, so, so tired of waiting for a baby, for a child.

I keep thinking of my little Alexander, how beautiful and perfect he was and how the Lord took him away from me.

I keep thinking how close I got to being Darlene and Jean-Tony's mother, how close I was to taking that step, and how James took it away from me.

I keep thinking about how Darlene is going to an amazing family, and how my heart has healed over her, just.

I keep thinking about how Jean-Tony will never, ever be my son. How I will never get to hold him and tell him how much I love him. How parents get updates on their children but I don't know anything about Jean-Tony. I don't know if he's healthy, if he's having fun, if he's happy.

I keep thinking about how long my homestudy is going to take, and how it's going to be over a year or more before I get "my child/ren" and I wonder how I will feel about Jean Tony then.

I hope all my readers are well and enjoying my posts. Comment more often guys! =D

Love, Emma

Application

I'm going to the agency office this afternoon to pick up the application form, fill it out and hand it in. I also have to give them a cheque for £4,436. (Ouch LOL)

They'll read it through and let me know today.

Emma x

Intial Interview

I was so nervous, I actually threw up.

When the SW arrived I made her a cup of tea and when she saw me shaking she put her hand on my arm and told me that she was sure everything was going to be fine.

She asked me my name, age, date of birth. She asked about James, about Alexander and my other miscarriage/stillborn children. She asked about Haiti, and why I chose it. She assured me I could adopt from there as long as it was done properly.

We chatted and she wrote down lots of things for about 2 hours and then she left.

I threw up again.

I am so relieved that the first hurdle is over.

She said she'd review her notes and phone in two days (tomorrow). If her decision is yes, then I will be sent an application for the homestudy. She said that it was doubtful that the decision would be no.

Pray for me.

Emma x

I will

Still no call

I've called the SW 3 days ago and she said she's getting to my file. Which means I've got a few more weeks to wait. I called again today and said "if you aren't going to tell me any good news at least give me a clue as to how long I have to wait."

I ended up getting very emotional and telling her my whole story and she told me she'd go get my file right now and book a date with me. I started to cry and was getting to sobs before she said

"How about Monday morning at 11am?"

PRAISE THE LORD.

Phase One has begun!!

Monday 3rd August 2009, intial interview.


:D

Update

So I had an information evening the other day which was interesting and boring at the same time. I was the only one who was at the stage where I'm saying "Yes, I am adopting and that's it" Most couples, and singles were still humming and harring as it were about whether it was right or not. I think they thought I was mad, but they don't know about my losses and the bloody long wait I've had to be a Mum.

I am waiting to make an appointment with a social worker, she said she'd call. And she hasn't called yet. Growl.

Emma x

My Son...well not really.

Jean Tony,

Writing to you is harder than writing to Darlene. I have come to terms with the fact that she has a Mom & Dad and I am ok with that.

But you my darling son, are another story. You don't have adoptive parents who are going to take you home. But I want you to know that you have me. I love you, and in my head and in my heart you are my son. My little boy, my little man.

I have a picture of you on my desk. I'm on my pc a lot and sometimes I get down and low. Then I look up at the wall, I see your smiling face and my heart is lifted. I love you so much Son. You are so special to me. My little boy.

If I could hold you in my arms right now, I would tell you how much you mean to me, how I am so proud of your new found pool skills and how much I love you. I would hug you and kiss you and tell you how handsome you are. I would read to you, play computer games with you, cuddle you and swim with you. You are what I need Son, to get me through.

Here's the hard part. We can't be together can we? We can't be mother and son. It's like a knife in my heart. I'm trying to hold back the tears. I want to be your mummy, more than everything. I love you. You are my son. Everything tells me you are my son. Why can't I be your mother? Why can't I fly to Haiti right now and bring you home with me?

It's so unfair. You would love it here, in England. We'd play football (soccer) together and walk the dogs. We'd play cricket and mess around in the forest.

I hope one day, that when you need someone, you will call upon me. You will see me as a second mum, whether you are adopted or not. That if you leave Haiti either through adoption or sponsorship that you will email me and include me in your life. Because I love you, so much.

I hope that Darlene will do the same, that she knows that she can call me, anyday, anytime and I will be there for her, just as I will be for you.

Always, Forever, Whatever.

Love,

Mummy xxx

EMMA IS FREE

I have been divorced for a week. It is amazing. I've been celebrating and getting things ready for my homestudy. I had an information evening last night, it was great. I have loads of stuff to read, gonna get my mother to come down and help me get through it all.

They talked about Russia and China, turns out no one adopts from Haiti here. I'm gonna change that!!

For you Baby Girl <3

To Darlene,

To my dearest Darlene,

I hope you will read this one day and know how much I love you. The moment I was told about you, you stuck to my heart. I saw you as my daughter then and you will always hold that name in my heart. I love you more than you could ever know, or I could ever begin to describe.

You are such a beautiful girl and you are so special to me. I love you so much!

In the words of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell,

If you need me call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far. Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry, you don't have to worry.

I am always just one call or one email away and although we may never meet face to face, please know I am always with you. And I will always love you.

Unconditional love and cuddles,

Your "English Mum"

Emma xxx

I'm a bad blogger

I have been told off coz I've not been blogging! =( LOL

Ok, news!!

Houses;

I am still living with my hospitable friends which is great fun.

I am moving in September to Coventry, not finalised the place yet but I am getting an apartment. It's gonna be lovely.

The friends I am living with have been planning to move abroad for a year working holiday, they've asked me to be their tenant until Sept when I move and then they will rent it out to someone else.


Divorce;

Court date is
29th June, then it'll be over and I have the 6 month wait before the homestudy. Although the agency said they MAY be able to waiver it because I have been trying to have a child for so long.

Haven't seen or spoken to James but my Mum has informed me that he has begun dating a coworker and things are going pretty fast. She has it on full authority that they are moving in together. Lovely.

Adoption;
As I said the agency has said that they might be able waiver the 6 mth wait so I can start my homestudy 1 month after the divorce. Also the wait is 6-8 mths so it's gonna be shorter than I thought.

Darlene;
She is being adopted by friend Michelle's sister. My heart is still hurting SO MUCH but I am also so, so happy. She has parents who love her, just unfortunately I am not Mom.

That's all for now,

Emma x

Is my life interesting enough to blog everyday..like a diary?

I have been very productive today. I washed up all the plates, cups etc that are in my little annexe (they had mounted up quite a bit) and I have done a load of laundry (I was running out of underwear).

I am a little sad today. I have found out that I cannot start the very loooooooooooooooooooong home study process until 6 months after the divorce is final. Which means (taking into account the whole process) I won’t have a child home until 2012. *sob*

The dogs have been super duper mad today. Everything they have eaten or drunk has gone through them like they goodness knows what! I keep opening and closing the patio door of the annexe, or I have to leave it open and have to keep checking on them otherwise they jump over the fence to my friends’ part of the garden and they have three dogs who DO.NOT.LIKE. Rubie and Roxie.

Skype is a wonderful invention as I chatted to my new friend Michelle today (and her hubby) they are lovely people! I am so lucky to have a friend like Michelle, especially at the moment! She is my guardian angel, I am sure!

It’s been a beautiful day here but we’ve had a ridiculously high pollen count. And yes, you guessed it, I get allergies. I am allergic to dustmites, pollen, feathers, and dust in general. Even my own hair makes me sneeze sometimes! I have had itchy and runny eyes and an itchy and sneezy nose ALL.FLIPPIN’.DAY.

I am still feeling emotional about the “no babies until 2012” thing. I want to be a mum. I’ve been trying to be a mum since I was 24.

Why is it so darn hard?

Thoughts on my life at the moment.

When James left me he blew my whole world right open. I have regrouped, and regrouped again. I have had a weekend away, I’ve been surrounded by friends, by family, I’ve had shopping trips (they.are.gooood!), I’ve got two new dogs, I’ve moved to a new area but something is still missing and whether that’s my husband, the babies I have lost or the children I have yet to mother I just don’t know. I have decided to go back to my maiden name, Pierre. (Courtesy of my French grandfather, Merci!) I don’t want my prospective children to be Hamiltons. I don’t want James to think he has anything to do with them and it would mean so much to my Dad for my children to have his name.

House hunting is going ok. I’ve found some I like but not “The House”

Roxie and Rubie (my Irish setters) are AMAZING! They are my universe right now, their big slobbery kisses make my days a whole lot brighter.

I have been doing lots of shopping. I deserve it. I am financially stable enough to be careless and it doesn’t make a dent.

On the 21st May it will be the two year anniversary or “birthday” of the last child I lost to miscarriage.  Days like this are always hard, I have 8 a year.

I want to share my 8 babies with you, James and I named them all and they were all cremated. We’d found out their genders in the post mortems and we had four boys and four girls. Although we have never got round to interning their ashes, creepy as it sounds, but we never got round to it. I have spoken to the Rector of my new church who is arranging for a mini funeral to intern the ashes into a joint grave. I am arranging a headstone for all of them.

Alexander James, April 1996

Oliver Michel, December 1996

Lydia Angeline, July 1997

Andrew Benjamin, March 1998

Louisa Michelle, August 1998

Samuel Mark, November 2003

Rebecca Elizabeth, September 2005

Isabella Emma, May 2007

I will let you know when the little ceremony will be. I am sure it will be beautiful.

 

Adoption. This is a big thing for me right now. There are two children in an orphanage in Haiti that I already see as my son and daughter. I cannot escape that feeling towards them. I love them so much and I have to try and move past the heartbreak. To protect the children I won’t use their real names. The boy I will call Ben and the girl I will call Katie.

Whenever I look at Ben and Katie’s photos I feel such a rush of love, yet also a rush of sadness. I wish they could know how much I want to be their Mum. How much I love them and how much I need to have them in my life. How the thought of being their mother makes me whole. I wish they could feel the excitement of leaving poverty and coming to a whole new world. It makes me so mad at James that he has taken the option of adopting Ben and Katie away from me. I don’t know how I will ever replace them in my hearts. I never will. Any other children will be just as special and I will probably love more because I will bond with them, but I will always feel the loss, like with my miscarried babies, of not being able to bring Ben and Katie up as my children.

God. This is another topic I want to talk about. He truly is throwing a lot of tests my way. I am wondering whether this heartache and pain is a test, preparation for things to come. He has a plan for me, and I just need to find out what it is.

 

I hope my blog will be a valuable insight to my life and what’s going on in my head.

 

Emma xx

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. I'm Emma Florentine Hamilton, I am a recently seperated-being divorced- 30 something British French woman living in the UK.

For 15 years I was married to James Hamilton we have recently seperated after 13 years of unsucessfully trying for children. He is now divorcing me and I am, as the name of my blog, trying to begin afresh.

I hope to adopt two or three children from Haiti in the not too distant future. I would love to have six or seven children. I've always wanted a big family and unfortunately I have unexplained infertility. I will be reverting back to my maiden name, to carry on my father's french name. (Which is funny. He's British but his grandfather was french.) After my divorce I will become (again) Emma Florentine Pierre.

I look forward to sharing my life with you via this blog.

Emma